Little thought

I experienced jail and jail kept coming for me and coming for me and jail kept winning and winning and winning I never stopped I never let the jails get the best of me I never let them walls tear me down to where I couldn’t make it out of them listen it’s times in the days or months of the year I would be depressed and think like man I’m gonna end up in jail for the rest of my life and I be seeing myself in jail that I try to kill myself in the thought process and I go through getting murdered fighting getting stabbed and all that In just one thought you know how it feel not to have a life and to still be alive it’s a mess I feel more alive than anything but when I think about anything I can do in the future it could be the wrong turn the wrong place at the wrong time and that’s what scares me the most I want to articulately mold my life my sex life my relationships with people I just want things to float and cruise at a leveled speed I mean I never had a life I still don’t have one I don’t have kids I mean I do have kids through dna but I don’t have kids when I attempted to have children I ended up doing time I had over my head from a warrant that came from underaged smoking or from not going to a AA/NA meeting or having a positive marijuana drug screen a 4 year probation term so many more warrants those things stopped me from going to school because when my PO came to the school they would have to go under investigation and the school I went to teachers where having sex with cheerleaders and other students and you really couldn’t hug those girls because a teacher had something to say about PDA at groveport for me to have been a premature virgin at groveport I was in the wrong environment because I never finished school because these groups inside the schools where so-called popular and I was smoking weed whenever I felt like it they just wanted to smoke my weed I didn’t care I wasn’t hanging with my sister and her friends they would complain about me smoking they weed like literally it would be 12 of my sisters friends smoking five of her friends have weed but 3 of friends with weed leave so that leaves her boyfriend with weed and one of her friends with weed okay if smoke weed in the house before anybody started smoking weed in the house why are yaw mad that I smoke yaws weed it’s my house yaw literally are in my ass I took shots and smoked weed in the house before anyone second person to live in the house it was five years old ten after we moved I was the only person to smoke weed in that quarter million dollar house so I had to clean estrogen and testosterone and even kids well they should smell like the weed I smoke but all I’m saying is people just don’t care and I have ptsd and everything so the weed smoke in the house being first it’s in the insulation so it’s in the air and that makes me completely molested in my house the definitely have my exposed euphoria from inhaling and exhaling marijuana smoke all over the house so soon as they walk in it’s an immediate flash high so when they didn’t have any weed to smoke they would have one of my not having weed fits so like even if I had kids I wouldn’t even know because their euphoria in the air is blocking whatever life I put into the world

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Untitled pt.2

i didn’t want to be their at all! It was weird for me frl she just didn’t look like herself and for me to find out what it feels like to experience losing one one for the first time and take the meaning in I couldn’t help but to cry when the monitor stopped beeping somebody told me to come on then pushed me out into the hallway and just left me crying in the hallway frl so I walked to where everybody else was then my great grandmothers sister grabbed me because I didn’t know where I was going and she held me for a while and this is exactly what she told me “your a young man you might not understand it now but you will understand it was her time to go and before you know it” she said it would be hers too . Yo like no lie I was already crying and when she said that I’m thinking about her carrot cake I never ate because she made it in a bunny rabbit shape I never use to eat any until after that day the following Easter I started eating the carrot cake it was good to just the other day I was at her house and I had found a four leaf clover I’m guessing she was gangster too she had a few red bandanas I kept as well and sure enough she passed away as well I cried that day too and I did not go to her funeral my mom was pissy but I got my tears out before you know it my mom will be gone too and after all these years of crying just after the last blog I thought about what my great aunt had told me and I never got around to post what she said since then I had this attitude Nd I never got rid of it I just got cool with it frl and I raise my voice my voice I’m a small dude but I hit 210lbs twice so I talk low so I don’t feel the deep vibration in my voice it never lasts long it’s like talking with the voice from Tom and jerry just the dog voice that beats up Tom all the time when he finally talks and sometimes it hurts so i have this unique way of speech and at the end of the day I’m Double OG crip or Blood Columbus OHiO I heard I was the highest OG ever of any OG meaning I smoke a lot of weed lol but I’m 23 in 2019 I’m into artificial intelligence the music industry agriculture politics and having baby’s lol but I can’t have my own house ever it’s just beyond me so when the women I care for care for me I’d pay a little rent and go back to work but until then I’m just your intelligent thug

Even though I go through what I go through I make sure my angels are with me like when I drink alone I “pour out a little liqour” and state everyone’s names that’s dead and gone and I miss everyone selectively like I really don’t know how people in general just hate each other after we lose people I can’t even count on my hands how many times I lost a friend family or a girlfriend related to losing a family member I’m not going to cry now because it’s gonna hit me when I stop smoking and start again but no lie to whoever can relate to this situation I go through alot yeah I say jail put me through this and brought me to this point but before jail I lost someone dear to me I seen people cry who never cried in front of me slam doors if I asked if they was okay that was another day I felt alone never seen someone want to be a teenager at 35 so bad because they use to be a model and had good looks but the downer to that is they can’t even see how do you have dreams to be a model and can’t see the runway you can have everything tyra banks have and be near sided or farsided and then you realize you have nothing but then people don’t think you have more brains than ass eventually your ass is not Brazilian butt lifted anymore it goes flat but that ain’t the issue this isn’t even a issue at all.

My grandmother passed away the first funeral I ever remember going to you would think it was traditional but that day just wasn’t normal to me at my father’s house my mom called and said your grandmother is dying I’m coming to get you so I’m thinking we just coming to visit like she always go to the hospital and come home it’s nothing I’m just saying Hi! I’m eleven years old. This time she hooked up to machines oxygen was average in her nose but she looked at me and I can’t explain it I felt like she couldn’t talk she knew she was going she really did my mom told me hold her hand like I was scared and I kinda was and she telling me to feel her hands their just cold but feel the same soon as I felt it her hands shocked me and I jumped back and I just stared at her I didn’t want to be their at all I didn’t 

Who am I

I ask myself who am I because my surroundings change I don’t make a definite change in myself because I am a changed human being my surroundings change so I adapt to my surrounding I don’t fit in I learn and understand who and what’s around me if a young person is around me I Am a young person too only because I respect my neighbor as I respect myself if I know more than my neighbor I’m not going to force anything onto that person I have to understand that their understanding is so little that I don’t necessarily stoop to a lower level I just take my higher knowledge and use it in a even higher explanation to my neighbors understanding, that’s why I ask who I am because I teach I learn I relearn and I reteach and I constantly ask myself what do I do it for then I realize THESE THINGS help me and helped me so I can’t turn my back on my neighbor because your neighbor is my neighbor and his neighbor is also my neighbor so if I don’t do for myself and teach myself and learn from people who are able to teach me IDK then

I’m the type

I’m the type to keep my options open I’m healthy and people get confused on what talking is people thinking talking to one another through text or over the phone or coming over is a relationship when it’s not just cause you looked at someone doesn’t mean that you two people click sometimes you just need to keep on doing you even if it’s a fantasy walking last its doesnt have to be a right now thing like damn she just looked into my soul and I go run and get her number no it’s not like that hopefully I can catch her two blocks from where I seen her last least expecting it and she walk my way, coming my way what can I do run 😂 ,I only think about running when Im being sexy with somebody hopefully we make it to the neighbor porch 😝 ND get sexy 😂 *tears* or she run after me ima yell grab the cuffs she not even gonna know I got my shoes on and socks now that’s a fantasy idgaf what nobody say wake the neighbors up 😂

But talking and text that’s not a relationship make me put my phone down I’m not saying being in a relationship and texting and everything is wrong but some women look better in tiny clothing behind closed doors and not every women is capable of giving me that rush like I want to live together but I want my own place to you know I’m a big kid I want that setup o can only give myself then upgrade when my relationship is complete and I doubt myself in the relationship because when I go to look at you I’m not seeing what we did behind closed doors it’s like your right their where I feel you need to be idk where I am in life am I with you is my question when you look at me do you see me going down on you or do you see something else is it my body being close to you in our hour or is it something else that say we Glow or do I make you glow do I glow to you does glowing effect us do I glow to much or not enough glow I want to glow with you but not to much we shine until nights end when I glow we shine!

We shine together 

I just don’t like saying certain things being straight forward moves people the wrong way I’m being me and you I want you to be me when I look at myself in the mirror I have to take care of me and nobody else but it doesn’t hurt to let someone in who can take care of their self because the process is learning ones cleanliness what they don’t do around the house especially if someone has been hurt plates don’t become the same cups don’t seem full anymore you don’t want to drink because I bought the wrong drink that reminds you of someone I buy things I liked as a child old Candy’s it gives me this genuine black smoke and I hear myself clearly sometimes I get carried away but most of them time some stores and some candies make me feel like a black man just for a slight second just by the air or the factory and the way I read the name 👑 shut I even think reading the label is healthy I don’t read the sodium parts. Think I’m cheat eating I’m not! I’m telling you I can get carried away like the Beverly hill hood Nigga gone suburban and back to the Hood straight to a Private Class like idek what middle class is I have all these promotions bus the way ssi work you can have trusty people to hold your money but getting them to let go I canbolay poker online I just found out IDK I’m tired I’m going to sleep relationship what I don’t need for the rest of my life is a that type filthy person ya know

Removing myself from 2018 pressure

Maintain my composure of self so people don’t think to much of me. If people think about me to much it’s like what are people thinking not you but other people who surround me America is not America because freedom is to live wild and free in the wilderness and democrats and republicans have two orders of service. This is where I separate myself from everyone in every corner of earth. People who actually want to work, the republicans and democrats live under law not freedom democrats have chances to obtain votes in a debate and former laws made it to where every man is equal if one man receives benefits another man has opportunity to receive benefits freedom on both sides but it’s not because if a man loves in the wild and has to hunt for food in these days and ages you have to buy ammunition meaning you have to work for what you need so being free or having freedom is like going on vacation for a period of time unless your like some survivalist ,I mean if you can pay for ammunition might as well go to McDonald’s right why waste your energy but the government wants to know where you obtained all this freedom money. It’s not like You can literally walk away from reality I really accept everything life’s throws at me I been thrown in alot of places my favorite place I hate the most to say is the county jail and any and every jail it’s if you want to throw your life away and do drugs and accept pain and not seeing loved ones then that’s the life you can accept and go enjoy because you lost in life instead of building your self for your well being I think everyone is sick sick minded sick in germs filthy in germs filthy in though because it’s a positive and negative to both sick and filthy you have actually sick like flu and actually filthy like dirty shoes and then their is sick minded as in people who torture people out for revenge people who don’t know you and don’t want to get to know you you have people who make you think they tried so hard to spit needles in your face just as an infliction of pain needles don’t seem to bad coming out of someone’s mouth one needle breaks the skin and their sick and sick minded you let yourself become wounded and or infected by their well being they know who they are and you don’t know who they are someone with Ebola could spit needles at you and have blood in their mouth that’s a little gross but boom Ebola now it’s if your sick or not to go get checked or properly taken care of and they also fit with filthy in germs and filthy period filthy is the word for a sick person everyone is filthy until you get to know them even the government letting people starve with they freedom SMH